I do not know why my mind and heart contend so passionately against one another. My mind constantly searching for signs of menace; fearing only uncertainty that the heart cannot see. Perhaps the heart can sense menace too but just chooses to ignore it. How can the risks not be worried about? Most moments of merit where my mind allowed positive thoughts were merely a cowl. Concealing the true nature of what I came to trust wholly and found regretting by the time I realized my errors. The overwhelming ratio of distrust to truth have made the idea of emotional bonding just a dream, or so it may seem at this time. To truly fear to let myself be seen because it risks being taken for granted. To put so much energy towards another human but to feel completely taken advantage of. The feeling that your own sensibility isn’t truly seen for what it is. So why bother letting someone see the soft side. Let them see what they expect, the harsh and bitter self I sometimes see as an emotionless husk. It’s simply easier to keep someone at an emotionally safe distance. Even though the entire time my heart is beckoning them to come closer.
The heart doesn’t care about the ever growing distance the mind creates. My heart knows what it wants and it will strive for it without letting up. Unfortunately, for my heart, the mind becomes more numb over time. No longer reacting to the tasteful seduction of the heart’s own desires. For the allure of wholeness from emotional connection comes with far too much danger. Staying stuck in the unrelenting crossfire of fear and love.
While the tugging of the heart is ever present I can’t help but listen. The promises it puts forth ever tempting. It knows the game all too well, displaying its skills at pulling on all the right heartstrings. The pulsing heart in my chest vows to provide meaningful connections even though my actual opinions are quite different. Even still, the heart promises the possible pain will all be worth it.
Fuck you, heart.
The bitter person inside me denies this promise with the utmost hate. Of course, I could simply indulge in pleasures of the flesh. Completely forego the emotions with someone for moments of selfish ecstasy. The mind will always look for these compromises of physical connection and tell you that’s good enough for emotions. Pure physical connection only works for certain situations and my even my mind is still learning this lesson. I feel as if I can only experience my heart’s desire in the land of dreams. To feel a sensation come over me that leave me in awe. To caress a neck and feel the electricity spark from my fingertips, to run my hands over her body in a way that connects I with her, to sense a complete focus of energy with someone. The kind of energy that drives people into each other’s arms. The energy that makes you want to rush through the day just to see them. Get through the mundane just for a chance to be in their presence and hear their desires, fears, dreams or simply how their day went. To see the person that makes you feel wanted in this world.
I can only attest truly to the non-sexual experiences I crave with others. Simply connecting with another human about interests or love. I have plenty of people in my life that I truly and wholeheartedly connect with. However, I can honestly say that I do not know the sensation of true human to human connection. Of course, I’ve enjoyed a good fuck just like anyone else but my heart has made me fully aware that I’ve never truly given myself into someone. Nobody has broken me down to my essence to the point I feel fully enveloped by another’s aura.
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