I wish I could say I finished the year in a place that I expected of myself. Something that I could be proud of but there is still too many unfinished projects and personally-set tasks.
2017 wasn’t a total flop, at least. I’ve made choices, set longer-term goals, and started down a path I’ve chosen. If I take nothing else from this year it will be that nobody else decided what I will work on moving forward. Dreams that I’ve pulled back out of the depths of my mind that were walled off and hidden, subconsciously, from my determination to complete. The fact that I’m not galloping on some shiny steed into the beautiful sunrise of my dreams yet doesn’t bother me. The pace at this point doesn’t matter to me, simply that I’ve found my horizon to strive towards.
This year finally saw leaps forward with my writing, even if I’ve got a long way to go. One can’t just simply leap tall writing goals in a single bound. All the flash fiction I’ve created months ago led to me piecing together ideas for more complete and longer stories. If I had to pick a favorite flash fiction story I created, personally, I’d have to go with The Street Performer or The Beggar. These especially show my knack and the problem of creating scenes of action. Which are entertaining but lack the context to really slam it home, in my opinion. With the challenge of writing as many unique stories as possible in a month, it did show me something about myself. Writing fatigue is something very serious and it affects me greatly but these challenges are great ways to push your creative bounds to the limit. The downside was I made stories quickly but it led to many mistakes but also troubles when trying to create more complete short stories. I’ve realized that now when I create short fiction it turns into moments of a bigger story. However, I want to create short stories that are self-contained. Something that satisfies when finished without making the reader ask more questions than anything else. A story that could be read in a magazine of some kind that would entertain without needing more info to truly grasp the story or plots.
Flash fiction wasn’t the only thing that grabbed my passion back when it comes to writing. I’ve really started filling pages of my journals with poems and more emotional entries. The poems I will most likely share but the emotional stuff is for me. I cannot stress enough how therapeutic it is to get out negative thoughts on a page. Poetry, however, has taken hold of me remorselessly and I don’t see it letting up. The written word of poetry has given way to the more terrifying thought of the spoken word. There are a view local poetry gatherings and a goal for the new year is to participate in at least one. By participate I mean actually getting my shy ass up in front of a group of people and share my poems in one of the rawest ways I can think of. I started to practice a little by sharing bits on my Instagram and even recorded some on there.
Out of all the frustrations of the year, I’d say the one that keeps bugging me the most is not posting on this blog more. I have plenty written and I write something of some kind every day but it isn’t always blogging worthy, I guess. Still, going months at a time sometimes without posting anything really, REALLY bugs me. Of all the 2018 goals the biggest, hardest, but most important one to me is being more consistent with blogging. When I try to break down my hesitations or problems with this it’s hard to pinpoint the biggest contributor. If I’m honest with myself I think it’s all the distractions my life still has to offer me. A journal and quick scribbles there are much easier than taking the time to type something up for a blog and prepare it for release. That and the fact that I have a hard time putting something out there if I don’t find it worthy. As the saying goes “I’m my own worst enemy.”
I believe, however, that self-reflection is necessary if self-improvement is truly desired. 2018 will throw even more opportunities at me. I just need to make sure I don’t get pulled in other directions by distractions or let my ego get ahead of me. Or let my self-doubt catch up to me so it can rip me back into inaction. One of the hardest parts about making dreams happen is most of them don’t come true from formal educations or everyday jobs. It’s something only we ourselves can make happen but always remember that the speed doesn’t matter. If you work towards it, even if it’s only a little bit in some little way, every day then it can happen. This idea I truly believe and I hope 2018 provides me the opportunity to prove it to myself.
See ya on the flip side.